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getting busy

hello my lovelies!

i know it's been a hot minute since i've touched this site, and for that, i apologize.
my creativity is stuck in a rut which is driving me insane, i can't seem to come up with any ideas.

all of this is frustrating, especially when i have deadlines breathing down my neck and my need to produce something mind blowing.
man, can't i just magically pull a masterpiece out of my ass already??

i've also been up to quite a bit of stuff lately, some of them exciting, some of them boring. but let me tell you all about it.

first of all, i have been slaving away at my studies. don't get me wrong, i hate all of that with a burning passion, but it's unfortunately a necessary evil if i want to get ahead in life, and although i try to minimize it i still sometimes find myself buried in textbooks and lecture notes.

but, when i am not actively absorbing knowledge that has dubious utility to me, or my future, i am hitting the gym.
not just any gym, but a powerlifting gym. i've been into it for a while now, and let me tell you, i've been astounded by the amount of weight i can lift, weight i saw as impossible to reach without enough discipline.
my gains are coming in faster than a freight train though and i will soon be competing for the first time at a national powerlifting meet!!

now, as much as national level competition sounds exciting, the pressure is like nothing else, it's always there nagging at me, telling me i am not good enough.

i've been giving my absolute best and pushing myself to the limit in training, improving my technique and getting stronger every passing day. but the closer the competition gets, the more i feel like i am not doing enough. i start doubting myself wondering if i have trained hard enough, if i'm ready for it.

it's my brain vs my body. physically, i know i can make it. but mentally, all this pressure is overwhelming. i always try to remind myself that i should just enjoy the experience and have fun. but that's easier said than done.

i am aware that i am not alone in feeling this way. many athletes feel the pressure of competition. but that gives me no closure, it doesn't make it easier. all i can do is stay focused, keep training hard and trust in my strength and abilities.

there is also something else that has been gnawing at my brain: the stupid feeling of being both insanely motivated and under immense pressure.

on one hand, i'm hyped to show off all the hard work i've put in at the gym, but on the other, the pressure is intense and crushing. it's like my brain is caught in this tug of war between motivation and anxiety, it's frustratingly dumb.

but hey, that's probably the nature of high level competition, i guess. it's up to us to find a way to manage it. i'm going to keep pushing forward and doing my best.

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